Exploring new methods of caring for your mental and emotional wellbeing can be scary and confusing, especially if you don’t know where to start or what to expect.
I well remember the grip of fear entering the therapy room for the very first time, suddenly unsure of why I was there, only knowing I needed to try something to change how I was feeling and thinking about myself and my life.
To say that therapy has changed my life would be an understatement. After all, entering therapy led to changing career paths, moving from an outwardly successful (and often soulless) corporate management career in my early twenties, into the helping professions of counselling and social work in my late twenties and early thirties.
Having a private space in therapy to talk openly and honestly about what I was experiencing helped uncover some huge realisations and ‘forgotten’ past experiences. My therapist helped me to realise my beliefs about myself, relationships, work, family and life in general – had been shaped and influenced by a whole combination of previous life experiences.
In the safeness (and sanctity) of a very personal but always professional relationship, I was able to uncover and explore the core ‘beliefs’ I held. I’m certain I wouldn’t have been able to access these beliefs as effectively or safely on my own. My only regret about starting therapy for the first time is I wished I had started sooner.
Although, I do recognise I was fortunate that my first therapist was a good fit for me, letting me go at my own pace. I also believe I had somehow waited to enter therapy when I did, as I had to wait until was ready to do the ‘inner work’, whatever that was at the time!
I do understand making the leap from being curious and apprehensive about therapy, to going ahead and booking and attending your first appointment can feel like a huge scary step. I believe this is because it’s unknown territory. Quite simply, you’ve got to go if you want to know! Chances are it may also involve feeling emotionally vulnerable at times and we instinctively want to protect ourselves to avoid feeling vulnerable.
However, defence mechanisms and old established patterns of thinking, feeling and behaving may not be working so well for us and often prevent us from fully being and becoming our true selves. Working with a therapist can help you identify and change the old patterns and defence mechanisms.
Now with over 20 + years of experience as a therapist, and also as a ‘Client’ who has accessed professional therapy at various points over the years, for my own personal learning and development over the years, I would like to share six things I wish I had known about therapy.
The intention in sharing what I wish I had known about therapy when I began is to simply help you consider if, and how, therapy may be something which will work for you.
First off, finding the right therapist is a bit like finding the right driving instructor for you. Or, like finding the right hairdresser. Or tradesman. Sometimes you get lucky when you engage the services of a professional and everything goes well. Some issues may emerge during the work or service provided and through open respectful communication and understanding what the client wants and what the professional can and cannot do, these issues can be addressed to everyone’s satisfaction.
Similarly, finding a therapist who’s the right match is a lot like online dating. You can learn a lot from a person’s online profile – but you don’t really get the full picture until you meet someone in person. So, don’t feel discouraged if you don’t get it right the first time, or if you think you’ve found the right therapist, but it doesn’t work out. You might have to see a few different therapists before you find one who’s the right match.
Fortunately, it’s rare to have to see a dozen therapists before you find the right one. That’s because therapists have to meet a lot of qualifications and ethical standards just to be able to practice therapy. You should also check any potential therapist you may wish to work with is a member of a governing body, such as BACP, COSCA or NCH, to ensure they are accredited and adhere to professional standards and Codes of Ethics and Practice.
The important thing to remember here is that your first therapy experience does not define how successful therapy could be for you overall. A few years after my first experience of therapy, I re-entered therapy this time with a different therapist. I wanted to try a different therapeutic approach, but I only attended 2 sessions with my second therapist. I quickly realised we were quite simply not a good fit for each other, there was no sense of connection for whatever reason and so I did not continue to work with them.
This highlights again how important it is to have a connection with your therapist. Like any relationship, you just connect with some people more than others, and if the connection isn’t there, then it’s probably not going to work.
So go ahead, feel free to look around if you are considering engaging in therapy. Even if you have a recommendation to see a certain therapist from a colleague or friend, remember to check to see if you yourself are likely to have a connection with them. Almost all therapists will be open to having an initial discussion (usually for free) to enable you to get a sense of how it might be working with them and if there is likely to be a good fit.
Opening up about emotions is a daunting task, especially at the start when you don’t know your therapist very well at the beginning. If you don’t feel ready to talk about something, then don’t do it. You’ll know when the time is right.
An ethical and effective therapist will respect your defence mechanisms. After all defence mechanisms develop to protect you and keep you safe. Therapy should not be about a therapist breaking down all your defences and dragging deep dark emotional content out of the client. The content, or the inner work to be done, will emerge as the client is increasingly able to process and deal with it.
Defence mechanisms can be identified, understood and challenged respectfully. However, this should be a collaborative process with client and therapist working together to discern if, how and in what ways their defence mechanisms are helping or hindering them as they journey through life.
Perhaps you might start working with a therapist to manage your stress levels at work, but as the sessions progress and you build trust with each other, you find yourself wanting to talk about past relationships instead. Follow your intuition and discuss what’s on your mind on the day – after all, our lives can’t always be categorised into boxes and dealt with systematically.
Patterns and themes will emerge as the therapy continues and an effective therapist will be trained to help you notice and identify any recurring themes and patterns. There is a widely known saying in therapy, ‘Trust the Process’. Therapy is very much a process. Although, it is very rarely a linear one.
Your journey through therapy may very well take some tangents at times. After all, there are many paths to the top of the mountain.
Unless your therapy is provided by the NHS, health insurance, or your employer, the biggest hurdle to seeking support is often the financial cost of paying for a private therapy. Hourly rates can range from anywhere from £40 to £200 upwards. The cost of therapy can soon mount up when you have weekly appointments.
Also, weekly therapy may be too much for a client in terms of emotional recovery and integration time. Everyone processes therapy at different rates.
Therapy is your therapy. You should feel comfortable discussing and working with your therapist to determine the frequency of sessions which works for you.
Some clients find that fortnightly or even monthly sessions are most effective for them in the long run.
It’s normal to feel tired when you’re stressed for prolonged periods of time. At times during therapy, subjects and emotional and mental content will come up which are stressful or fear and anxiety inducing. This can lead to fatigue post session. Not all sessions are liberating breakthroughs providing a new lease of life.
Although post session fatigue, or an ‘emotional hangover’ can occur after some therapy sessions, it doesn’t happen after every session.
Nevertheless, it is important to give yourself the space and time you may need to process and integrate the content of the session, post session.
This may involve taking a walk in a park, getting some exercise, listening to music in the car, journalling if/when you can, taking a nap, going to bed early etc.
Consciously scheduling some time for self-care post session is useful to help you restore your normal energy levels should the session lead to fatigue or emotional hangover. Be patient with yourself, be kind to yourself, prioritise rest. Over time, you’ll likely find that, you will need less and less recovery time after your therapy sessions.
As a therapist, I often use the metaphor that therapy works a bit like WD-40. In the sense that therapy can help clients to get things moving in their thoughts and emotions, helping to free up some areas of the client’s inner world that was perhaps a bit ‘stuck’ or not working as well as it could.
That said, therapy is about entering a process of change. In isolation, therapy entirely on its own, will often benefit clients to make changes. However, when clients are open to the process of change outside of therapy sessions, applying and integrating therapeutic tools and practices into their day to day lives, beneficial changes occur much more quickly and powerfully.
Similarly, therapy can be compared of going to see a personal trainer at the gym once a week to get fitter and stronger. Yes, weekly sessions with a Personal trainer will be of some benefit. However, clietns who continue to exercise on their own between scheduled Personal Trainer sessions are likely to make much more progress with their health and fitness goals.
Therapy is the same. Clients I have worked with who are able and willing to find ways to work with themselves between sessions generally make more progress in less time than clients who only ‘work’ during scheduled therapy sessions.
Working with a professional therapist may be therapeutic in and of itself but I wish I had known sooner that the long-lasting results of therapy come from doing the work outside of your sessions.
What that ‘work’ looks like will differ based on your own personal circumstances and preferences and may also be influenced by your therapist’s approach.
You might be given questionnaires or practical exercises or encouraged to have an honest conversation with someone in your life. Personally, I find discussing and agreeing manageable practices to be carried out between sessions can be a useful way to support a client’s progress e.g. conscious breathing exercises, journalling, taking a break from News content to improve mental diet etc.
Sometimes the integration of what you’ve spoken about during therapy clicks into place a few days, weeks, or even months after the initial appointment, so don’t be surprised if you find yourself having an emotional breakthrough on a random afternoon in the park.
As a first-time client, I wish I had been clearer about knowing the therapist cannot really do the work for me. I guess a lot of people come to therapy looking for answers from the therapist about why they feel and think the way they do, how to fix and change themselves by following the therapist’s instruction and advice.
Of course, that is not how therapy really works. As a therapist I do provide clients with information, often on neurobiology, neuroplasticity and the biochemistry of emotions, known as ‘psychoeducation’. However, I do not offer advice, I can only provide information with the intention the clients can make use of any information provided in a way which helps them progress towards their therapeutic goals.
There is a lot of pressure nowadays to always be working on yourself, to always be growing, and healing and improving at a rapid rate.
The truth is that sometimes you need a rest from healing, because it requires a lot of energy to do so, and this can become exhausting.
If you’re paying for your therapy, then it might be that you need to take a break to save not just money, but also energy.
Whatever the reason, taking a break from therapy doesn’t mean you’ve given up. It’s all just part of the process.
Again, you should feel comfortable about discussing this with your therapist. After all, they are there to provide a service to you.
As a therapist in private practice, I have worked with a wide range of clients on both a short term and longer-term basis. It is always led by client choice and preference.
